Surreal Guilt - Romantic Apology

There was a time when the life I led made sense, when I could get out of bed in the mornings and know without having to think about it that my world would follow a logical order. Oh the odd random encounter might occur, and there were those few times when inebriated that the reliable solidity turned a little fluffy and refused to come into focus. But day in day out I lived what I’d call a normal life. I no longer enjoy that luxury.

My world has turned inside out and upside down. Nothing I do makes sense to me. I feel everything is distorted. I count the days as they pass and not one of them has any worth. There might still be seven days in a week, and it may have been many such weeks but the total doesn’t add up to anything important.

Everything I do would seem to drag me further from sense and reality. I retreat toward a point in the distance, yet all my actions are in fact pointless. All directions seem to lead away from you. All time seems to proceed away from when we were last together. Nothing makes as much sense as the thought of you in my arms.

If I think about the decision we made and the choices, how you had to go back to him, and how I not only let you but pushed you away. That choice made no sense then, and as time passes it makes less sense still. If I spent every day regretting it, and every moment thinking of you I couldn’t take back the words I said. I can’t undo that hurt.

I spend these meaningless days calling out silently, speaking into dark empty corners, pressing my heartfelt despair into places I pray you will never have to visit. But all I can express is the hurt in me. I can only fear the hurt I caused in you, I lie there terrified that you might feel I abused your trust and love. I hate to think you would feel used. I know sometimes at my lowest I feel that way too, but I’m not certain I have any right to feel sorry for myself.

I doubt I have any right to even have my apologies heard. But I send them anyway. With care for a gentle flower I fear I crushed, with all the broken parts of my heart I ask not for forgiveness but for acceptance.

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416 Words